A little bit of Empathy

Al Capone didnt think he was a criminal!
"I have spent the best years of my life giving people the lighter pleasures, helping themn have agood time, and all I get is abuse, the existence of a hunted man" said Capone.

The fact is, everyone justifies themself. Conclusion: If people will get defensive then criticism is futile. As Dale Carnegie put it: "Criticisn is dangerous, because it wounds his precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses his resentment."
Sharp criticism and rebukes almost invariably end in futility. It should give us pause. If we try to cahnge someone they will naturally try to defend themselves. Before we speak perhaps we should consider the words of Abraham Licoln when his wife criticised people from the Southern States "Dont criticise them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances."

From a purely selfish standpoint, its a lot more profitable to change ourselves than to change others.
"When a man's fight begins with himself, he is worth something" wrote Browning
When dealing with people we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealingwith creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motovated by pride and vanity" said Carnegie.
One of the darkest moments in the life of Abraham Lincoln occurred when as a young man his criticisms led to his being challenged to a duel . Yet, as we have seen, he learned to empathise.
So did Benjamin Franklin, also critical as a youth, who wrote that his secret to success was "I will speak ill of no man .... and speak all the good I know of everbody.'
Any fool can criticise buit it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.

As Carlyle wrote:
"A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men'
'To know all is to forgive all'
Perhaps one of the most of the most beautifully expressed acts of empathiescomes from Holocaust survivor Elie Wessel who on his first visit to Berlin met with German youth. He later stated ""I had never before considered that it could be as painful to be the children of those who ran the camps as to be the child of those who died in them."

If only as a world, we would atleast first consider the other person point of virew before we acted.

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Ban "I, Me, My, Mine" .... O Yeah, Who Are You Kidding?

Ban "I, Me, My, Mine" .... O Yeah, Who Are You Kidding?

If people are interested in themselves then basically they are not interested in you. If they are interested in you, the fact is there is some personal reason why there interest in you is also for their advantage.

That may at first sound blunt. We all know of chariable people or course, yet even they gain pleasure from the servoce they offer to thers.

Just think about President Obama's innaugauration speach for a minute. It was a speach that even many political opponents admired. guess what words are missing from it? You guessed it: President Obama' banned "I" and "me".

So when you talk to people about them for that person you are talking to the most important on the planet. You are working wuith their natural desire. Talk about yourself and you are working against it.

So when talking to another use the word "You' "This will benefit you because .... when you use this product you will gain because..."
Never, "I want you to by this ..." Who cares what I want?
Les Giblin once wrote: "if You will give up the satisfaction YOU get from talking about YOURSELF, and that YOU get from the use of the words "I, me, my, mine", YOUR personality efficiency and YOUR influence and power will be greatly increased."

Even better is to get a person talking about themselves. How do you do that? Ask questions.

"How is your family?"
"What do YOU think?"
"How is your daughters new job?"

The problem is that most of us are thinking about what we are going to say next. We are thinking of ourselves and not truly listening.
The best conversationalists are infact the best listeners. sometimes they say very little yet to the speaker they are wonderful conversationalists.

Look at the two "I Want You" posters. which is probably going to get the avarage males interest! A man will probably recieve pleasire and be drawn to the picture of the girl. The first picture is about service, about what Uncle Sam wants. (Sorry ladies, If I found a male version I would have put that up too!)

BUT!

There is a warning!

The word YOU can help draw us to another but used wrongly it can condemn!


Have you ever seen someone say "When you make me feel bad!"

Here is where infact we need to own our own feelings.

"I feel bad when you do ...... because"

The first staement condemns and alienates, the second is truthful and factual. You do feel hurt wheb the person acts that way. but the person may not even be aware of it. Draw a person to your concerns.

But how?
Again put the concern in terms of the other person. "It's to our mutual interest and for your benefit that we work together. however, I feel hurt when .... I want to work together well, could I suggest a way to handle this problem that may work for you."

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People Are Interested In Themselves and Not In You

It is a key of life for you to realize that people are primarily interested in themselves and not in you.

Putting this same thought another way - the other person is ten thousand times more interested in himself than he is in you.
And visa versa! You are more interested in yourself than you are in any other person in the world.
Remember that mans actions are governed by self thought, self interest - this is so strong in man that the dominant thought in charity is the satisfaction of pleasure that the giver gets from giving, not the good the gift will do.

- Les Giblin Skill With People

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Any Man Can Talk When He Gets Mad

"Any man can talk when he gets mad. If you hit the most ignorant man ion town on the jaw and knock him down, he will get on his feet and talk with an eloquence, heat, and emphasisthat would have rivalled William Jennings Bryan in his palmiest days. ... Almost any man can speak acceptably in public if he has seld confidence and an idea that is boiling and stewing within him."

"The way top develop self confidence is to to do the thing you fear to do and get a record of successful experiences behind you."
That is why Dale Carnegie forced people to talk in public, for by "constant practice, they developed a corage, confidence, and enthusiasm that they could carry into their private life."

- Lowell Thomas on Dale Carnegie

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